Saturday, June 25, 2005

If I Were God ...

First scene. Pastor's office at the First Self-Righteous Church. Young woman (Faith Freeman) telling the pastor her sad story. She's trying to control three little children.

"My husband is in the hospital. He's dying. We have no insurance. I have my three children to take care of and we're out of food. I only have a high school education and no work experience. We have nothing to sell -- no savings or other income. Our car was repossessed by the bank. I walked here. It was the closest church. Our landlord is kicking us out. The only other family members we have are out-of-state and told me they have their own problems. Can you help us?"
Her story touches the pastor's heart. He gives her twenty dollars out of his own wallet and tells her he'll "see what he can do".

Next scene: Sunday morning service at the First Self-Righteous Church.

Good Pastor advises the congregation that there is woman ("not of our church") who is facing trials. He explains her problems and asks the congregation to remember her in their prayers. Christian Churchman (his friends call him Chris), sitting third row back, bows his head with the rest of the congregation and asks God to take note of this poor woman and her family.
""Please Lord", he prays, "look down upon this poor woman and provide for her needs".
"After the prayer is over, he glances over at his own family and realizes how blessed he is.

Next scene: Heaven

""... look down upon this poor woman," God hears as Churchman prays.
""Well, ALRIGHTY then!" the Creator exclaims (sounding just like Jim Carey and blowing an angel off the Throne). "Thanks to Christian Churchman I'm now aware of this poor woman. Why, I would have never noticed her from all of her prayers, but I never miss those from good Churchman".
""... and provide for her needs." Churchman's prayer ends.
""Sure thing," God grins. "I'll get right on it!"

Next scene: Churchman family leaving church in their year-old Ford Explorer.

"Where do you guys want to eat today?" Christian asks his family. Kids want McDonalds, but Momma wants Red Lobster. Momma wins. "I'll have to stop at an ATM and get some money", Christian says.
"No you won't," Momma advises. She digs into her purse, pulls out a $100 dollar bill and hands it to Chris. "Here. Here's for our meal and your next week's lunch money."
"Chris takes it and sticks it into his shirt pocket because he doesn't want to dig for his wallet while driving.

Next scene: Red Lobster's parking lot.

"You guys wait for your mother!" Chris yells at the kids as they pile out of the SUV. His smallest, cute-but-headstrong Angie (short for Angel), leaps from her seat and starts across the parking lot. Chris grabs for her and when he does, the $100 bill in his shirt pocket flies out onto the pavement. A strong gust of wind comes up from nowhere, picks up the bill and blows it into traffic where a FedEx truck runs over it. After the truck passes, the bill has disappeared.
"Aw, hell!" Christian curses. "Sonofabitch!"
"Watch your language!" his wife scolds him. "It's your own fault and the kids have big ears."
"Yeah. Right," Churchman mutters as he and his family search for a while before giving it up as a lost cause.

Next scene: A few blocks down from Red Lobster. Faith Freeman and her brood are walking out the door of the unemployment office.

"I'm hungry!" her youngest wails -- just like he's been wailing for the last thirty minutes while she was filling out papers. "And my feet hurt!"
"I know, little guy," she sighs as she stoops over to pick him up. Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, she notices something fluttering against the curb. It looks like money. She steps over and picks it up -- a $100 bill.

Next scene: Heaven.

"Your prayer has been answered, Chruchman," God grins.

If I were God ...

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