To Rooch, my daughter, about her Grandma. Grandma had Alzheimer's and died a couple of years ago.
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Rooch, you're the one I choose to send this to. Like Grandma said, "That Jeanie, she's my buddy!"
Not been sleeping good the last few days. I guess worrying about Tyler and Jess triggered the PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) in me. General feelings of doom and dread involving everybody, past and present. Thoughts about Grandma are really bogging me down today -- interferring with my work.
The last two months of her life. Hindsight. What I wish I had done -- and hadn't done. What I wish I had said -- and hadn't said. If I had known then what I know now things would have been different --but of course I didn't. I don't blame myself too much. It's not that. It's just that I WANT to go back and change things, and I can't.
I want to go back and hug her and tell her I love her (we got to where we only touched her to drag her into the shower). I want to just sit and talk to her. We got to where we hid in another room and ignored her pleas to "come and talk to me!". I want to go back and take some mornings off to spend time with her -- when she was closest to being back to her old self. I want to take her riding -- she loved that. I want to play music and sing songs with her. That was the last really good thing we did together. I want to get our Bibles out and study together. That was her whole life and we quit doing that long ago. I want to go back and pray with her every day -- like we do with Tyler when he spends the night. So many things I want to go back and do -- and they are eating at me like a cancer.
I'm also imagining your other grandmother (Joyce) being gone and what things I will regret and "wish I could go back and do". As I said, I imagine all this was triggered by the crisis with Tyler -- and it will pass. But like the virus that hid in Jesse's spine and popped back to the surface due to some stimulus, I imagine my feelings of doom and grief will always do the same whenever I get worried.
Hope this doesn't drag you down, Rooch -- but I needed to share it with someone. Maybe it will help and I can go back to work -- and not just disappear down the road somewhere.
Dad
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My daughter's reply.
Hey Daddy, I'm writing this to you as opposed to calling because, like you, I tend to say things better when I write them.
When Grandma was alive she tended to be a guiding light to all of us. I can't tell you how many times she amazed me with her strength and wisdom. I remember her telling me about how she somehow shut things off when Jo died. I don't know if that was God's doing or hers. Perhaps she deep down knew something you and I can't seem to learn. What I would give if I could do that.
Everyday of my life I remember Grandma. It might just be in a smile or something that is said. You might remember me telling you the other morning when you came down to my house that I heard Grandma in you. You told me to "get your duds on," and it was like I was hearing Grandma. I see her in my life on a daily basis.
You might not believe this but I pray every night, and in that prayer I always ask God to tell Grandma that I love her and that I miss her. I miss her most when I am sad or scared. For some reason, when Grandma used to tell me that things would be okay, I believed her. I have no doubt that she was a better person than I am and I guess I trusted her connection with God more than my own. I KNOW God heard her. I don't have that assurance in regards to myself.
I have regrets too, Daddy. I don't usually make it public knowledge becauseI guess I don't want to admit to myself how great of a failure I was to Grandma. She was a beautiful and honorable woman and she deserved to be treated as such. I look back on that time too and I would also like to go back and change it. Grandma's whole life was her family and I was lucky enough to be a big part of that and I took that honor for granted. I took Grandma for granted and I'm sorry for that. She deserved better than the granddaughter she got.
I tell you what, though. I loved Grandma. I failed her in many ways, but I did love her. I hope you don't doubt that. To this day I cry sometimes when I think about her. I couldn't even help Terry much on those videos that he made of her because I would get too choked up. Part of that is brought on by my guilt. I don't want to remember how wonderful she was and how horrible I was. It makes me dwell on my failures as a person and that's something I don't like to do. Especially in sight of Tyler's illness. I guess I'm not real comfortable with the idea that I wasn't all I should be to one of God's chosen ones (and yes, Grandma was a chosen one. No one else I've ever met deserved to enter Heaven more than she did).
I guess my point in all of this is that I understand. I know it's not on a level that you're feeling it but I do know it enough to have empathy. My heart breaks for you Daddy. I would take away this pain that you are going through in a minute if I could. It just makes me tremble with fear knowing that I will feel it on your level someday. That day will be the day you die. For some reason only God knows, he made you and I soul mates. I know that sounds corny but I don't know how else to describe it. You are my everything. Everything I am and everything I will ever be is not only because of you and your teachings but because you are in me. You are in me more than any other person on this earth.
Grandma was (and still is) in me in a very similar way. I see her in myself a great deal and you can bet your life that I'm proud of that. The way that I am willing to take on a doctor for my son, the way that I put my children before all others, and the way that my silly looking nose has that horrendous bump on it. Those things are from her. You have those things as well. (Aside from the nose of course and only I have that honor. Hee! Hee!)
These things have been our gifts but they have also been our curse. That type of "loving" is what makes us fear to the point of collapse and what makes us regret the most. I don't know what to say Daddy. Nothing I say will take this away. All I know to do is love you. And I do Daddy. I love you with everything I have and everything I am.
In that prayer I say every night I also thank God for making me your daughter. That was one of the greatest blessings I have been given in this life. I am honored to call you my Dad and I am so proud of you. I don't believe any daughter could love her Daddy more. You are not only my Daddy but you are my other half. You are the one I go to (even over my husband) when I need advice or simply someone to understand. That's because you are the only one that understands. You're my "buddy" too (as Grandma would say).
I love you Daddy and if there is anything I can do let me know. I love ya, Daddy, and always will. That's one thing you can count on.
Rooch.
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